Common causes of anxiety: sexual experience before marriage


        COMMON CAUSES OF ANXIETY: SEXUAL EXPERIENCE BEFORE MARRIAGE
It takes a very mature person to be able to go against the established pattern of behaviour of his group without experiencing inner tension, even when his own conscience is perfectly clear on the matter. The young person of either sex may become tense simply from the knowledge that his fellows are promiscuous. What passes for normal behaviour in one group may cause offence in another, and what goes without thought in one man may offend the conscience of his brother. It is clear then, from the point of view of causing anxiety, there is no hard and fast rule. These difficulties of course are much greater when the two members of the couple come from different backgrounds and have different personal standards.
The censure of the group, whether openly expressed or merely implied, causes tension; and this censure may arise from being too free, or from not being free enough, according to the prevailing morality of the particular group. With a certain amount of give and take the couple may be able to withstand these group pressures without tension. But the inner censor is more difficult to quiet. The idea of entering into sexual experience for the sake of one's partner, seems so plausible at the time, but it does little to dispel subsequent tension and anxiety if it conflicts with the basic personality of the individual.
It is well to remember that the tension of those in this situation is often greatly increased by the glib but well-meaning advice of their fellows, "Go ahead and get it over, it will ease your tension just as it does mine," is almost invariably bad advice. This is so because "going ahead" conflicts with the basic ideas of the individual. If this were not true, he obviously would have gone ahead before on his own initiative.
Some degree of anxiety from this type of situation is almost universal among young people. A medical student was so torn between the drive of his sexual urge and the dictates of his own inner conscience that he was on the verge of a serious breakdown. The situation was aggravated by his knowledge that most of his friends—real friends whom he respected—were promiscuous.
I talk to you merely as a physician whose concern is anxiety and tension—there may be others who would speak to you from a different point of view. Remember that different people have to find different solutions to the same problem. This is necessarily so because individual personalities differ. No problems are the same for everyone, and the real decision rests in each individual self. For many, these events are merely a necessary and commonplace experience in the process of growing up. They become something that helps to mature the personality, and as such may come to bring fullness to a future marriage. But with others the regret of past experience hangs heavily on the mind. If this be the case, remember we cannot undo the past. Let us accept it. As men and women we have all done wrong. But any experience, however bad it seems, almost always contains some element of good. Let us use this element to enrich our personality. Even an event which seems all bad—and I think this must be a rarity—may help us from the experience of coping with such a situation.

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